Misc pictures from my day.

Alot of time has passed since the "miscarriage". It is a general term. Easiest way to refer to it I guess. What happened in our words is at our first doctor appt. where they performed an ultrasound to determine how far along I was and check everything out we saw that there was no heartbeat. I have seen enough animal and my two previous pregnancy ultrasounds and was always facinated with the heart beating and how strong it seems when you see it on the screen.

A week prior was when my ultrasound was actually scheduled. I had to cancel it to attend the funeral of another baby of a dear friend. I remember calling the doctors office because I was feeling crampy and worrying it was stress............they told me to just take it easy or go to the emergency room.........I had a feeling something wasn't right but never in a million years would have imagined what we saw that afternoon..........I knew as soon as I saw the baby on the ultrasound. The poor doctor was looking and looking and even called the other doctor in to look. While I laid there on the table, tears running down my face..............I was given the option of going to the labor and delivery right then or to go home and hope my body took care of it on it's own. We had to explain to the kids, well mostly Sage as Steele was only three still. I was heartbroken for Sage........she was so excited about another baby.

A week went by and still nothing. I called the doctor to say I needed to go to the hospital, I just couldn't take it anymore. I just wanted to move on, it was just too agonizing. This is where the small town has it's disadvantages........the Labor and Delivery said they had no beds and if I wasn't bleeding they could not admit me. Finally out of desperation I told them I was bleeding just to get admitted. Of course I couldn't continue to lie to the nurse and broke down and told her the situation. I wish in a situation like that you could remember everybody's names. She said she would do whatever she had to to get me a bed. And she did. I was too far along for a D&C and had to be induced. I think back on it and I wonder what was going through Sage and Steele's minds while Mommy and Daddy that are never gone were thinking. I have a hard time leaving my kids. I have issues I guess. The last time I saw my mom was when they dropped us off at a sitter while they went out. She died in a car accident that night........I think I am afraid to leave them for fear something could happen. Probably where I get my control issues from too......yikes. Anyhow, once again I did not intend to get this into the story but the above picture is where Micheal Tucker Dunn is buried.

Another feat I fought for as they were not going to permit me to take him home. I did not know how I would feel about it but when he came I felt the same as my other kids. They never left mine or Jeremy's sight in the hospital. He was coming home with me no matter what LA County thought. And I got it done.

Jeremy built the area around the site. I think it was his grieving coming out. Afterward he said "do you think it is too much?"

How on earth could it possibly be too much.

He is under the old Almond tree that has lived all the years the ranch was vacant.

Next to the pond that runs when the rain is good.

Jeremy buried his old horse next to him.

I will have to post the poem he wrote for him while we waited in the hospital..........

On another note, below is my sweet, beautiful girl. One of the things that helped me stay strong fighting to bring Micheal home. I had a picture of Sage and Steele next to the bed to remind me of what I did have. I am still a lucky girl. I don't know why things happen but there seems to be a reason for everything. I had been home from the hospital only a week and a half when Jeremy got hurt and I had to start riding the training horses.............

Probably just as well. I was going to hide under the covers as long as I could and that wasn't doing me any good...........